Joanna's Choice

Joanna's Choice

Ksenia Kisselincheva

 

Joanna had to make a difficult choice-Professor Kazakov made her an offer to take up an academic career and as a start to sit a competition to be elected as his assistant. Then she had to work on her PhD over the next three years.

 

On the other hand, Professor Mladenov, the Chief Inspector at the Ministry of Education put forward to her an offer to be appointed as a substitute teacher of Psychology at a reputable boy's high school downtown.

 

In the first case, she wouldn't have an income for at least three months until she won the competition and was elected as an assistant. She needed a stable income badly not just for her own sake, but mostly because of her relationship with Samuil. They were planning to get married and to live together.

 

This step on their part was going to deliver a heavy blow on her parents both of whom were teachers with a strict patriarchal mentality. However, Joanna was not at all the conventional woman of the 30's of the 20th century. In Bulgarian society at that time nothing had been heard of the struggle for the equality of the sexes, gathering speed mostly in the US and Great Britain.

 Certainly, the position of an assistant in Psychology at the university was exactly the very thing she had been dreaming about before she met Samuil. But under the present circumstances, she did not hesitate for a second to turn down the tempting offer. At the meeting with the Chief Inspector, he explained to her that she could deputize for the teacher of Psychology on one year contract in the elite high school. And it was all up to her, if she made a good impression to her students and colleagues, she might have the golden chance to be sent to the Teacher's Training College in the town of Shumen.

 

Joanna was eager to share the great news with her beloved one! No more worrying about money. She was exhilarated by the fact that if she had a regular salary, she would be able to pay off the loan she had taken from a close friend of her mother's for Samuil's urgent treatment. He suffered from a serious inflammation of the brain and his life could be saved only by combining very expensive medications.  

 

While she was walking briskly to her date, Doctor Brankov's voice was re-sounding in her mind. He was telling her that he could not guarantee them a successful cure because they went to him very late. She abstained from telling the doctor that Samuil had just been released from prison on an amnesty and was financially broke. His close affluent relatives whom he asked a loan from, categorically refused to help him on grounds of his scandalous political convictions.

 

He was eagerly waiting for her in front of the library and when he caught a glimpse of her face, radiant with joy, he gasped for breath and asked her:

'By Jove, what happened?'

She uttered in a single breath:

'I have already got a job and we won't be anymore in straightened circumstances!'

'Then we should go to your favorite vegetarian restaurant to celebrate the great news!'

 

***

 When she entered the classroom for the first time, Joanna felt as if she was coming out onstage. Thank God, she had some experience from the drama circle she had taken part in as a high school girl. This experience definitely helped her to speak confidently before an audience.

The boys gazed at her with their inquisitive eyes and studied her from head to foot. She was aware that inevitably they were going to compare her with their previous teacher in Psychology. So, she beamed one of her charismatic smiles to take them by storm. For a few seconds she held them all within the focus of her insightful glance, while saying:

 

'I am fully aware that you are going to miss such a good teacher as Ms Mateva. However, I will do my best to grasp the essentials of her manner of teaching. To achieve this, first I will greatly appreciate if you share with me what you approve or disapprove in my style of teaching. Secondly, I would like to remind you that Psychology belongs to the Humanities not to the Sciences. Therefore, it is not an exact science like Mathematics or Physics is.

Could we call it a science then?

 

There was some agitation among the students. They started asking each other: is it like history or sociology?

 

To restore the discipline, the teacher had to come with an answer:

Surely, it is a social science. Isn't it exciting to compare various theories and interpretations, based on different scientific experiments, methods and conclusions.

 I am going to get you acquainted with the latest discoveries in experimental psychology and physiology. For example, you will discover a new approach to the puzzle of the human mind and psyche by studying the theory of behaviorism, which is based on comprehensive clinical investigations of the brain with the latest equipment. Any questions?

 

A shower of questions followed and she tried hard to make the students answer them by guiding them step by step...

 Joanna was startled when she heard the bell ringing. The time had elapsed so fast, while she was attempting to win over the unknown audience. She realized this was just the start of a "long rock climb" and each and every time she had to wage a fierce battle for their attention and their approval. She knew if she was good enough to win this ongoing battle, she might be rewarded with their love!

 

The treatment of Samuil turned out to be more complicated than the two of them expected and yet the doctor seemed to be getting more and more confident about the positive outcome. Since the attitude of the patient was part of the process of the treatment, Dr Brankov passionately persuaded Samuil to avoid intense mental and nervous tension for another six months.

 

Joanna could not help thinking what a twist of irony it was that her beloved man suffered from this serious brain disorder. Certainly, she loved him for thousands of reasons, but first and foremost because of his beautiful mind. Each minute spent with him made her rediscover the small and big wonders of the world!

 

One day Joanna met Theodora in the pastry shop, opposite the gymnasium. Theodora was a childhood friend of Joanna's, they were inseparable till they graduated from school. When they moved to Sofia, they still kept closely in touch with each other. This meeting was not the usual meeting of two very close friends, which wanted to share with each other their latest experiences. For Joanna, this was a very special occasion and she worried about Theodora's response when she would be faced with the shocking news.

While they were sipping tea with cookies, Joanna stammered with a voice, brimming with emotion:

"We- are- get-ting mar-ried. What about you and Boris be-ing-our-wit-ness-es. Or to put in another way, our best man and best woman?

Theodora clapped her hands, radiant with joy:

'What lovely news! When I think of it, you have been together just for one year since he was out of prison. I cannot deny that he, Samuil, is an extraordinary personality! But I'm a bit worried about his health problems. It's a miracle he survived five years in prison. By the way, how is he recovering from his brain inflammation?'

 Joanna was on the point of uttering a long monologue, a volcanic eruption of her innermost emotions, suppressed for so long:

'Thank God, he has been recovering quickly so far, but he has to continue taking the expensive medications for a while longer to make sure there is no relapse of the disease. I'm fully aware that his health was in ruins, though he is only 28 years old. I took him to Petar Dimkov, the legendary alternative medicine healer and this saintly man is curing him with great success free of charge! I was steeped in debt but I started paying back my loan from my teacher's salary. I'm so grateful to my mother's friend who came to the rescue. I must admit that she does not approve of my choice of partner. For me, what really matters is our love and nothing else!'

'Tell me, where are you going to live after the wedding? I'm afraid your parents won't let you live in their house.'

'You are quite right! Especially my father does not approve of my choice of partner.  As you might guess, they stand for opposite political views. And to make things worse, my beloved is as poor as a street musician. My father has not spoken to me for one whole year and this is a real millstone on my neck. What really matters is our love and nothing else!'    

Joanna's voice snapped for a second or two, but she managed to take control of herself and her melodious voice sounded again:

'I would like to discuss with you our accommodation problem. I hope you will come to the rescue as "a catcher in the rye." We are looking for somewhere to rent, but it turned out a hard nut to crack. As you know, the housing rent in Sofia is soaring higher because he immigration from the countryside is on the rise. We are looking for a self-contained dwelling place. I remember when my parents moved from Varna to Sofia, we shared a dwelling with other tenants for two years and we will never forget how uncomfortable it used to be.'

'I think what you have in mind is my father's studio in the attic floor. I have to admit we haven't touched a thing since my father is gone. While he was working and drawing a sketch, he got a massive heart attack and collapsed on the spot. We found him on the floor. He died exactly as he dreamed to. Holding his brush next to his easel, deeply absorbed by his canvas.'

 

A shadow of gloom flitted across Theodora's face but she continued stammering from time to time:

'I have got to speak to my mother about it. Good heavens, three years have elapsed since he died! We have touched nothing since then. As if he just popped round to get a packet of cigarettes and would turn up any minute.'

'I hope it won't sound immodest on my part, but you know me quite well. I'm going to maintain the dwelling in good order, as if it was my own. You might leave some of the nice antique furniture there, instead of keeping it in the basement.'

'For how long would you like to hire the studio?'

'For about two years.'

'I think my mother will say yes, she loves you dearly. And I'm sure your parents will forgive you, especially when the baby comes!'

'Thanks my dear, for your great kindness and understanding. We are never going to forget the support you gave us in these hard times! I'll be waiting for you to call me at the school after your conversation with your mum.'

'Surely, I'll come back to you. Now I have to rush home. Give my love to Samuil! For me, you are like a beloved sister, unlike my own sister with whom I am on non-speaking terms.'

 

They met again in a week's time and Theodora was eager to announce the good news: her mother had agreed to give "a love nest to the homeless doves." Joanna embraced her friend and closing her eyes, breathed deeply with relief. Theodora tried to take control of the high tide of emotions and commented playfully:

'Now we have all the time in the world to discuss some important details around the happy event, haven't we?'

'The date and the place have already been fixed. The happy event is to take place on May 16th. By the way, this is my mother's date of birth and the place is nothing less than the legendary Boyana Church.'

So, the two friends discussed many further details in a conspiratorial tone and when they finished doing it, they swore in a solemn voice to keep the event in full secrecy.

 

 In a few days Samuil managed to get a temporary job at the University library. Luckily, he had taken a course as a librarian while he was a second year student. In such a way, he managed to get rid of the heavy manual labor in the construction business which he used to do for his livelihood.

 

Everybody in the library knew him very well and his colleagues loved to ask him questions in the area of philosophy, history and psychology. He was also solving some logical problems which he brought from a second hand bookshop. And he was eager to show his colleagues the logic of solving these problems. It was so challenging and exciting to get the knack of it!  Apart from it, he felt quite at home among the books, manuscripts and picture albums. He adored the blessed silence of the reading rooms with people, focused on a book, as if it was a real treasure to them, in a trance which treasure hunters.  

 

The auspicious day, so long-expected by the participants, finally set in. It was a beautiful day in spring with blue skies, sunshine and plants, blossoming in white, pink, yellow and red. Helas, Joanna's parents were not present, but her mother had secretly blessed them. The bride and the bridegroom were dressed up in style with clothes, not made to measure, but borrowed from a special shop. In this way, the rebellious couple was going to bond into a sacred union against all the odds of fate.

 Joanna's heart was beating fast like the heart of a frightened lark and she gazed into Samuil's eyes. His look made her feel confident and gave her a sense of security. Except the best woman and the best man, the only other witnesses to the secret ceremony were the birdies in the tall pine trees, which seemed to bless the exhilarated couple with their melodious warbling.

 

 On coming out of the church, the newly weds were surprised to see a phaeton which was festively decorated. This was a special wedding gift from Boris, their best man. When they hopped on it and started moving, Joanna forgot completely that she had clothes on hire. For a little while, she felt like a genuine princess! On the way down to Sofia, passers-by smiled and waved at them, joyfully shouting good wishes for the best things in life. The just-married couple wished this trip to last for good! Alas, they did not notice how they arrived at the posh "Bulgaria" restaurant downtown. After the stylish dinner, they had photos, taken in the Rashev studio round the corner and... the special event was over.

 Joanna and Samuil were extremely happy and grateful to God  and to their friends  they were finally together for good! They were lucky to have their love nest at the studio thanks to Theodora and her mother.

The place was full of books in the bookshelves, framed prints of their favorite artists on the walls and colorful hand-woven rugs on the floor. So, the studio welcomed them with a cozy atmosphere and with an air of spirituality.

 

While the two rebels were wondering how to announce the event to her parents and her siblings, Theodora had found a way to break the great news to Joanna's large family. Surprisingly, her father broke the ice and agreed to invite them to their home near the Seminary school.  

As a good patriarchal father, Simeon had forgiven Joanna after the ceremonial blessing in a God's temple. Apart from this, when he saw how happy they looked he was truly touched to the quick and offered to pay back the rest of Joanna's loan.  

 

At the very start, living together, the newly married couple were intoxicated by their love and they cherished each instant, spent together, as if it were precious. This reverie went on  for months on end...

 

One day during the winter school holiday, Joanna felt slightly indisposed and decided to go to a gynecologist, without telling anyone about it. It turned out she was pregnant in the second month. She did not dare to tell Samuil and she decided to first share it with Theodora. When they kissed each other, Joanna wailed:

'What a twist of fate's irony! This child is the fruit of our love, but we cannot afford it right now!'

Theodora found it difficult to express her opinion:

'It's hard to give you any piece of advice. In our case, there was no problem to have a child by the end of the first year, since by that time we were both lucky to have regular jobs.'

'Ironically, at this particular moment, my pregnancy turns out to be a curse rather than a blessing. I have to discuss it with Samuil, though he will suffer no less than me. If I decide to have an abortion, there is a risk of never having any kids in the future.'

'I realize the decision is very hard. I sympathize with you with all my heart and I will do anything to support you, no matter what your final decision is!'

 

Joanna counted the minutes till he came back from work. Waiting for him seemed like eternity to her. His first reaction when he heard the news was a surprise out of the blue. It was followed by a great joy that he would become a father. Yet, later, when he looked at the blue gray eyes of his delicate fairy abd when he saw her crying quietly, suddenly he realized things were not that rosy. At last, he uttered with a great effort:

"Let's sleep over it and tomorrow we will decide what to do."

 

However, for Joanna, the painful decision was already taken. It was impossible for them to bring up a child on their present budget. On top of everything, two days earlier she had been promised by the Chief Inspector that she would be appointed as a lecturer at the Teacher Training College in the town of Shumen.  This was an educational institution which enjoyed a very good reputation. This might be a brilliant opportunity for them until Samuil would graduate from Sofia University within two years. Nevertheless, they would be separated during that time which would certainly be a great trial for them.

 

And so, life went on its usual course, but the sparkle in Joanna's eyes had turned dim. She engulfed herself fully into her work at school - meticulous at preparing her classes and fighting for the approval of her critical students. She took great delight in her extra-curricular activity -  the drama circle which she had founded. She had chosen a comedy by Oscar Wilde "Lady Windermere's Fan". The boys were very enthusiastic about the interplay of satire and irony and   they greeted Joanna's decision to take them to the play which was on at the National Theater. Later on, some  members of the Drama club turned their hobby into a professional vocation, some became star actors, such as Izhak Fintzi, Stefan Getzov, Andrey Chaprazov.

 

Thanks to Joanna, the health of her husband improved a lot and he started writing articles for the Philosophy Journal.

 

At some point, Samuil got involved into a hot debate with Professor Dimitar Mihalchev, a fervent follower of the German philosopher Remke. Their ardent dispute on the pages of the legendary journal fast became very popular in academic circles.

Both scholars conducted their polemics in a civilized manner, putting forward solid arguments. They set a rare example of academic tolerance, although both were standing for opposing views, i.e. Remke versus Marx.

 

 Suddenly it was time when Joanna had to leave for the town of Shumen. On a sunny morning in August, Joanna, Samuil, Theodora and Boris were walking up and down the train platform where the train would arrive. Unexpectedly, they were amazed to see her students, coming in swarms to the platform. Joanna was really touched to tears from their attention. She could hardly embrace all the flowers, half covering her face. Samuil was standing confused on the platform, looking like a kid, deserted by his parents.

 

Once she was gone, he got in touch with his relatives in Stara Zagora with a request to find him a teaching position in the local high school he had graduated from. In this way, he will be a little bit closer to his wife.

Luckily, his uncle was a governor of the Stara Zagora region. He helped Samuil to get appointed as a teacher of history at the gymnasium.

 He was greatly impressed by his nephew's intellectual abilities when he was eighteen and proposed to him to maintain him at some reputable university in Germany. But there was one condition, attached to this golden opportunity. He had to give up once and for all his communist views!

 

To the surprise of all his relatives and friends, Samuil refused this golden opportunity for a brilliant academic career. Samuil refused to give up his faith. If only the young man could perceive the future and understand his huge delusion, he wouldn't have made such a fatal mistake.

 

Then it was 1935 and he firmly believed, like many other intellectuals in Europe, this new philosophy will save the world from all the injustice of capitalism. Instead of studying Mathematics in Munchen, he enrolled in Sofia University to study philosophy.

 He was a leader in the Students' Union, got involved into a conspiracy against the government and landed in prison. He was only 23 years old! He was released from prison five years later on a king's amnesty. But the prime of his youth had been wasted and his health had been seriously shattered. He survived only thanks to the devoted care of Joanna, his caring fairy.

 

He moved to Stara Zagora where he grew up. He loved teaching at his gymnasium and hopping on the train to visit his Joanna at the weekend. In his spare time during the week,  he often met his mathematics teacher and they had exciting discussions. They looked like those Greek philosophers who discussed big issues, while walking around the park. There was no end to their discussions, they continued for hours on end. They ranged from Einstein's theory of relativity through Heisenberg's principle of indeterminacy to Hegel's dialectics.

 

Everything appeared to be fine until one day things went from good to worse. Samuil had organized a small group of his brighter students and took them out to the hillside outside the town. He conducted open lessons in some social sciences. At the same time, he was overtly preaching to them Marxist interpretation of the facts. He looked like a fanatic priest who believed in the Catholic dogma and was ready to sacrifice his life for it in the African jungle.

In fact, Samuil's life was again in great danger when one of his students betrayed him to the authorities. His uncle managed to save him from landing in prison again, but he was fired from the school. All his relatives were absolutely scandalized with his behavior and they cut off all contacts with him. Even his mum distanced herself from him, though it was unbearably painful for her to do this. At the time, she worked for a German family, helping with looking after the household and the kids. She almost risked to lose her job, with two teenage sons who were still on her hands.

 

 Samuil's father had a workshop, combined with a selling section for copper and tin objects and his craft flourished. His son's behavior upset him very much because he was fully aware of his exceptional intellectual abilities.

Back in time, he was absolutely furious on how he blew up a golden chance for a brilliant academic career. Once after work, Hristo went to a nearby pub to have a pint of beer. He got involved in a ferocious argument with a stranger, concerning Samuil's recent behavior. The pub owner whispered in his ear that the stranger was a secret agent and that is why he tried to provoke him. Finally, the agent threatened Hristo that he would close both his workshop and his retail shop unless he influenced his son to stop his "subversive activities."

These events had been a bit too much for him. He suffered a cardiac arrest and he was urgently admitted into hospital. Samuil's mother continued trying hard to persuade her son to give up his dangerous ideas. But he did not back down, though he suffered intensely, causing so much aggravation to his loved ones.

 

Samuil was forced to work as a teacher in the villages nearby the town of Shumen and he had to change his workplace a couple of times because he had been sacked according the Law for the Protection of the State.

 

One cold winter day he left for Shumen in the late afternoon and he recklessly decided to take a shortcut through the forest. Suddenly, he became acutely aware that there was a pack of wolves nearby. He quickly climbed up a tall tree and watched the approaching wolves which had obviously sniffed plunder.

 

Samuil took out his box of matches and tore off a few branches. Then he set them on fire with great effort and threw them down on the ground. The fire made the wolves to step aside but it died out fast and he could see their luminous eyes in the dark.

 With the falling night he started freezing and started having hallucinations, as if he was in a delirium. He pulled himself together, saying aloud that he had to sit it out until dawn. When it finally dawned, he was half-conscious but still he could hear a strange noise and caught sight of a cart. By all appearances, it seemed they were poachers. By the skin of his teeth, he succeeded in shouting "help" since they were on the verge of running away on seeing his ghostly frozen silhouette.

 

His lower jaw was paralyzed with the freezing cold, his body was numb all over. So, he made an inhuman effort to jump off the tree on the thick fir coat which the poachers spread on the ice-bound ground. They wrapped him up in it and drove him away to the pub in the nearest village where he gulped down a glass of brandy or rakia, as it is called in he Balkans. Little by little, he started recovering slowly.

 

By this time, Joanna had been worrying and imagining all sorts of nightmare scenarios. She had been expecting him the previous night and by now she was on the point of fainting with distress.That's why her friends and colleagues quickly organized a search party.

 Luckily, they caught glimpse of the poachers' cart on the road, just seven kilometers out of town. On seeing them, Samuil pulled up his socks and shouted at them with a husky voice. Both parties met on the road and Samuil hurried to take out the brandy bottle to treat his rescuers.

However, on getting off the cart, he lost balance and rolled on in the snow because he was still numb with the freezing cold and dizzy with the strong booze. Joanna helped him to get up and hugged him tightly, crying with relief. While all of them were getting back to Shumen, Samuil was telling excitedly about his extreme adventure. Joanna, his delicate fairy listened to him with wide open blue eyes, full of horror and forgiveness.

 

During the next week's weekend, the long-suffering couple went to the close snow-bound nature park, just outside Shumen. Kids were skiing and going down in sleds and toboggans and everybody was exhilarated with the glistening clean snow. Joanna thought it was the right time to tell him the great news that she got an offer to teach psychology on a permanent contract at the same school in Sofia. Finally they could live at their parents' home because by now her brothers and her sister had moved out and had built their own family nest. At last, they could enjoy a proper home!

 

A bit before Christmas, Joanna had symptoms which made her go to the gynecologist again. Her secret wish was to give birth to a boy because she believed that this was a man-made world. The months swirled in the whirlpool of everyday wear and tear.

On the 6th of September it was her father's birthday and while Joanna and her mother were cooking dinner, suddenly she felt the first contractions. At this moment, Samuil burst into the room and announced the terrifying news that Germany had declared war on the Czech Republic. He said, gasping for breath:

"It seems that a new world war is starting!"

Joanna replied:

 "Let's not expect that the worst is coming! Now it is much more important that I have got contractions and we have to rush to the hospital!"

"Darling, I'm awfully sorry if I have scared you with this horrendous piece of news. Such a wonderful event is in store for us. I am so excited that soon I will be a father!"

 

At dawn the baby boy came into the broad light. It was a big and healthy boy with a black forelock. He saw the light of day in a troubled and unpredictable future...

But his parents hoped firmly that they will cope with all the coming trials and tribulations. Her students arrived again in front of the hospital and they played the guitar and sang Italian canzone under the open window where she was lying. She smiled blissfully in her intermittent sleep, completely exhausted. Miraculously, for a couple of minutes, everybody present forgot about the threat of the war and rejoiced about the new life that came on the wings of dawn.

 

At that time Hitler's army was advancing fast in Europe and the frightening gloomy shadow of the world war was getting bigger and more palpable...