FATHERS AND SONS

FATHERS AND SONS

 

Ksenia Kisselincheva

 

While eleven year old Sibilla was absorbed in drawing a number of sketches of a pigeon which she had to model out of clay for her class in handicraft, she suddenly heard a disturbing noise, coming from the living room. She rushed out of her father's study to find out what was happening there.

 

She could hardly believe her eyes! Her father and her beloved brother had gripped each other ferociously in a deadlock and were shouting accusations against each other! She could not make very good sense of their words but they hurled the words at each other like sharpened stones.

Her brother Damian, who was quite tall, had pressed her dad against the wall, holding him by the shoulders. Her father's high diopter glasses were tilted and were on the point of slipping down on the floor. This made her dad who was basically a courageous man look confused and disoriented.

 

Sibilla had no one to hug for protection from this scary scene, since her mom was out of the house shopping. Sibilla crouched gracefully like a cat under the table in the dining room. The latter was linked with the living room because the sliding door, dividing them, had been removed for repair.

 

Kaloyan, her dad, was medium size, bald at the front of his skull. He had an impressively high and protruding forehead and bushy black eyebrows.

Poor man, he was struggling to get free from the iron lock of her brother Damian! The latter was quite unlike her dad, he was very tall and athletic in stature. In appearance, he was dead spitting image of Hristo, his father's father. She could not stand being a silent witness to this uneven combat anymore, so she rushed to the living room and wedged in between the two of them, with the risk of being squashed. Father and son startled and let go of each other.

 

They moved to the massive oak table in the dining room where they continued their frantic argument. Sibilla went back to the study room, but she left the door slightly ajar, so that she could hear every single word they said to each other.

 

'You don't attend lectures and seminars in the Faculty of Physics.You said time and time again that you want to be a nuclear physicist and nothing else. Instead of going to the university, you are glued to the radio, listening to hostile western stations like the Voice of America, the BBC and Radio Free Europe.'

 

'Yes, that's right. Unfortunately, these stations are badly jammed. Nevertheless, this is the only chance for me to hear some important truths, disguised and twisted by the propaganda machine of our totalitarian regime.'

 

'Isn't it vicious propaganda what those stations claim about the so called "lack of democracy" in our socialist system. It is impossible not to have certain restrictions until we achieve a higher level of economic prosperity.'

 

'You will never achieve real economic prosperity because your economic system is wrong-headed to begin with. The idea of a centralized economy, with no free market and no competition is doomed to failure. You can only evolve as a police state which controls both the public and the private life of all citizens, no matter whether they are ordinary ones, or extraordinary ones. Especially, those, labeled as non-conformists are being persecuted and locked in prison, or in labor camps.'

 

'Stop it! The theoretical project is perfect and it is solidly grounded on scientific laws. But, alas, it turned out that human nature or the human factor is a serious problem. Since human nature is full of vices and weaknesses, it inevitably distorts the system. Hopefully, this major problem can be resolved within a longer perspective with the help of education and cultivation of more than one generation.

 

'Then...If human nature is faulty, your project is nothing but  an utopian dream which can never be put into practice.'

 

'I believe that people can change for the better, if they are motivated not just by individual greed for material possessions and prosperity but if they are motivated by other humanistic values like continuing education and a need for service to the social community.'

 

'Rubbish! For sure, they will get used to live with the grotesque and arrogant lies of the totalitarian system and pretend they don't mind. They will learn to prosper through spying on their neighbors and colleagues and to advance in their career by simulating that they believe truly in your absurd ideology which when put into practice is just as ominous as social engineering.'

 

'What do you mean by "ominous social engineering"? Give some sound arguments or examples. Otherwise, it all sounds like viciously twisting the truth.'

 

'For instance, your ominous social engineering brought about and bred a monster like Stalin who is one of the greatest mass murderers in history!'

 

'Lenin was shrewd enough that Stalin was a very dangerous person and shortly before his death, he warned his comrades not to let Stalin rise to the top of the party leadership.'

 

'Come on, now this is officially admitted by the Soviet government that he had been a mass murderer of his own people. He had no mercy for his own comrades who dared to disagree with him. Also, he did not spare the Russian intellectual and artistic elite. Finally, he did not spare millions of ordinary people who had been slandered as "enemy of the people" as an act of revenge by people, close to them.'

 

 'Obviously, he was mentally sick. A psychopath who was sick with paranoia...'

 

'Who cares what his diagnosis was, whether paranoia or megalomania or both of them.  He was a twisted sick mind with absolute power and he in cold blood methodically sent to the labor camps millions of innocent people. Do you know that more millions of civilians died in the labor camps than soldiers died, fighting in World War II .'

 

'Frankly speaking, I still don't think all these facts are true. I still hope that Hruschev demonized Stalin in order to exaggerate his own historical role. I'm still bound to think I am just having a horrendous nightmare from which I cannot wake up! I cannot believe he did not spare anyone who dared to disagree with him, including his own comrades like Trotzky and Molotov.' ???

'He did not spare the Russian intellectual and artistic elite either. Thousands of eminent poets, musicians and physicists were sent to the labor camps and died there. Millions of peasants died of hunger in Ukraine during his so called "land reforms.'

 

'Honestly, all this was done in secret. All the communists in other countries of Europe and America knew absolutely nothing about these monstrosities, committed by him until the shocking revelations of Hruschev in1961.'

 

'This is no good excuse for your social engineering. It proved to be a systemic error of your utopian ideology which immediately turns into a black distopia. For instance, authoritarian rule, even absolute dictatorship and a personality cult are an indelible part of socialism, when put into practice on all continents. From Cambodia and Vietnam to Cuba and Chile. It does not matter what the historical and cultural tradition of the respective country is, the result is equally abominable.'

 

'Anyway, this was the heaviest blow I have ever suffered in my life. I'm not sure I will ever recover from it.'

 

'It's a real tragedy for so many idealists who believed in this wrong-headed utopia. Some of them lost their lives. Or others,   like you, sacrificed the prime of your youth to rot in prison for years. And, those like you who were "lucky" to survive until 1961, had suffered a devastating spiritual death. It is equal to the blow, suffered by an ordained priest who for some reason had lost his faith in God.'

 

'After five years, spent in prisons across the country, I was an absolute wreck. I had been severely punished  for preaching Marxism to my fellow prisoners. I had spent more than a hundred days in ....???  Thank God, I was twenty eight when I was released from prison due to an amnesty...

 Your mother whom I met shortly after that, saved me from a lethal infection. She borrowed money from friends and took me to the best doctors.'

'I know this story quite well, mom has been telling it many times. However, she has been telling me more up-to-date stories. Stories about your collisions with some key members of Politburo, who are puppets of Todor Zhivkov's regime. These persons seek more power and do their best to get rid of the old guard of idealists. Especially those of them who dare to be critical of the existing system.'

 

'Between the two of us, they have threatened me on many occasions that if I persist in criticizing some of Zhivkov's policies, I will gravely regret it. Friends have been warning me that I am on the black list of the State Security. At least in 1961, I don't think they can organize a show case trial for me, as they did it for Traicho Kostov in 1952. He was the brilliant intellectual in the Party and Georgi Dimitrov's right hand man.'

 

'You had better be on your guard! Don't forget the classical wisdom that "the revolution devours its own children.'

 

'I hope that the Stalinist strategy will be dismantled for good, though the labor camps are still functioning in Bulgaria.'

 

'They have the State Security network installed and it is recruiting agents and informers among all sections of society. I'm sure some of your close friends and colleagues have been recruited. God knows, what atrocities are hidden in your dossier.'

 

'I have decided to hand in my resignation at the Ministry of Education. I'm absolutely disgusted with the arrogant power game that's in full swing there. The trouble is, they will not leave me alone, they make persistent efforts to embroil me into their welter of lies, intrigues and slander."

 

'Where, the hell, will you go now?'

 

'It is much better for me to teach history of philosophy at Sofia University than "to roast" on their fire. And I will have more time to write my books. Mind you, I will criticize capitalism in my lectures and books with the same unforgiving fervor, as I have criticized the distortions of the totalitarian system.'

 

'Don't you get the wrong impression that I idealize Western capitalism. If you ask me about my personal preferences, I like most of all Scandinavian socialism. You cannot deny that they have real democracy, it may not be flawless, but nothing better has been invented so far.'

 

'I can understand you. You are disgusted with the lack of any democracy around you. And you are looking for an alternative model. However, you won't find it in Western media propaganda. It aims at skillfully discrediting socialism at any rate. If you look at the trend worldwide, socialism is gaining more popularity in Africa, South America and Asia.'

 

'I think that one of the greatest sins of your ideology is that you persecute religion. Further, you try to substitute it with your grotesque personality cults. Most people need a transcendental corrective. The awe for God and the fear of God controls to some extent the evils within their souls and characters and the bare animal instincts which turn them into voracious beasts.'

 

'The more I think about it, the more I realize negation of religion is a profound blunder of our theory. For me, I looked for refuge in God again after the monstrous revelations about the Soviet totalitarian system and also after most of my old friends withdrew from me as if I am a leper. And I am sure,   most of them inform on me regularly at the State Security. This is my talisman from my childhood, the icon with the crucifixion of Christ which my parents had blessed me with on the day of my baptism.'

 

Thank God, at this point of the disturbing conversation between father and son, mom turned up at the door, carrying a very heavy load of shopping, as usual. Sibilla rushed out to meet her and help her with bringing the bags to the kitchen.  She hugged her mom long and strong! She needed badly some magic protection from this hostile and incomprehensible world, which her dad and brother had been talking about. However, she was a brave girl and she did not utter a word to her mom about what she had just witnessed.

 

Instead, she turned on the radio and started singing with the tune they played. "Marina, Marina, Marina, ti voglio ti bene cosi...perque amarti e voglio presto sposarti." This was a hot  Italian tune which was the hit of the day.

She quickly slipped back into her care-free childish world.  She was just eleven years old, perched on the edge between childhood and adolescence. She refused to peep further into the adult world and she rushed back to her father's study. Instantly, she got immersed into her pigeon sketches and she started with childish absorption to mould the pigeon out of clay...

Like some adults around her, Sibilla had her innermost secrets too. For instance, she adored her brother more than anybody else in the world! He was like a special guru to her. He took her by her hand and she tiptoed into the wonderland behind the Iron Curtain.

All these things, which Damian showed to her, had been banned in her country for some reason. He played rock and jazz pieces to her on the gramophone, he explained to her about the blues rhythm and improvisation which were at the core of this fabulous music. Sibilla loved to dance so much to these tunes, trying to imitate with her improvisation Isidora Duncan who was a star of modern ballet.

Another miracle which Damian revealed to her, was rock and roll culture and particularly the songs of Paul Anka and Elvis Presley. Her brother even practiced with her this acrobatic dance by swinging and hurling her up and down in the air. Sibilla was exhilarated during this long-lasting seance. In the end, she crashed to the floor, whacked and dizzy. But... she was infinitely happy!

Oh, there is an infinite list of "wonders" which Damian revealed to his little sister. Once a week, he brought home in his leather bag, glossy magazines from the American embassy. He allowed her to peruse and contemplate the photos for hours and he patiently explained what they was represented on them. It seemed to her like a wonderland-everything was so beautiful and stylish! She was absolutely mesmerized with the one-storey houses, made of glass and steel, surrounded by lush greenery, consisting of  rye grass, hedges and blossoming trees. The huge elegant cars were perched in the drive like giant birds against the green grass carpet.

She was extremely fascinated with the skyscrapers which reached the clouds and shot through them into infinity.

 

Disneyland, designed by Walt Disney was another miracle for all children, the largest amusement park in the world. Once  she dreamed she was there and she enjoyed every single adventure, offered to her. Sibilla craved to ride on the scary roller coaster. But it was too scary. That's why she startled in her dream and woke up. She was terribly disappointed-she cried bitterly that she was expelled from paradise on earth.

 

She loved to share many other secrets with Damian. He showed her his sketches of huge American cars and motorbikes, while she showed him some steps of her ballet dancing. Once she twirled around on her toes in her ballet shoes. Alas, she suddenly got a vertigo and crashed headlong against the fire-place. Blood squirted profusely from one of her eyebrows. For sure, Damian was really worried and took care of her right away. She did not like herself with the ugly plaster below her right eyebrow. She tried to be a brave girl and fought back her tears.

 

A few days later, she overheard another conversation, this time between her mom and dad. It happened while she was serving him late dinner at 9.00 p.m. The door was left ajar by chance.

Father said:

'Darling, we have got a serious problem with Damian. He does not want to become a party member at the Faculty of Physics. Apart from this, he is on a black list of the secret services for a number of misdemeanors like being a member of a jazz club and going with his girlfriend to private rock and roll parties.'

 

'He is already an adult, it is up to him to decide whether to become a party member or not. The other misdemeanors are a matter of a popular youth lifestyle.'  

 

'As you might guess, there are quite a few informers among his close friends and university colleagues. I was warned by a colonel and then a general from the State Security that he regularly listens to the Voice of America and Radio Free Europe. He comments with some of his friends some of the behind scenes phenomena, hidden by the authoritarian regime. To top it all, he severely criticizes before his peers major faults which the system disguises with lack of adequate information.'

 

'Oh, Gosh, by now he must have a thick dossier with the secret services. It is utterly irresponsible of him to rely on our protection.'

 

'I think it's a good idea, if your brother Uncle Boyan talks to him seriously. He is the only one he would listen to.'

 

'Fine. I'll phone him tomorrow morning.'

 

At this point the telephone rang and mother rushed to answer it. She saw Sibilla was already on the phone, answering very politely:

"It's her daughter speaking. Hold on a second, let me check up if she is in."

Mother smiled and nodded with approval. She picked up the receiver, caressing her little girl on the curly hair.

 

Sibilla decided to brighten the atmosphere a bit and fetched her grade book into the kitchen. By this time, mom was clearing the table, while dad was reading something out of a newspaper aloud. Sibilla pushed her grade book under her dad's nose:

 

'Oh, how lovely!' he exclaimed. 'You have an excellent mark in history. Tell me, curly, what were the questions you had to answer?'

 

The ambiguous irony of the situation was that both parents were not sure they themselves deserved an excellent grade in history! They both felt greatly frustrated and disillusioned with what came about in society  and what they had hoped for.  

 

Sibilla smelled a rat and she was quick to turn a record on the gramophone. She knew that music always made things brighter! She heard a favorite classical hit of hers. She lolled to and fro with the playful rhythm and started singing with the refrain: "Que serra, serra. Whatever will be, will be. The future is yet to see. Que serra, serra..."